God had to break me

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‘The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.’ Psalm 34:18 (NLT)

So this is a blog post about every reason as to why, in order to grow closer to God, you have to be broken. Whether you come to God broken, or whether He breaks you along your journey, you have to be broken. There are many points in my life where I have felt completely broken, but these are the times that, although they were very hard, I cherish them the most, as without them I would not have discovered how barren and broken I was without God in my life and how much I really needed Him. When relationship attempts left me questioning my worth completely; when those who I thought would never wrong me, disappointed me; when close friends overlooked me and doubted my potential and value because of my somewhat soft character and approach to life, I was forced to depend on God in every circumstance. This blog post will transparently address how situations such as these, particularly relationships, led me closer to God. I pray it encourages anybody experiencing brokenness that God is by your side, He is close to you, healing you, working on you, and will use all your broken pieces to draw nearer to you and glorify Himself through your story.

Prior to beginning a genuine relationship with God and growing in Him, so perhaps 2 to 3 years ago, I was a very insecure individual. I didn’t know my worth AT ALL and I thought so low of myself and my potential as a person; as in honestly all the compliments in the world couldn’t change how low I felt about myself. This level of insecurity that I had, stemmed from many different situations and circumstances I’ve experienced from a young age. So when I now began ‘attempting’ romantic relationships, and I say ‘attempting’ as by the grace of the Lord none of these unhealthy experiences ever became official relationships, I let myself be treated anyhow because I didn’t feel or know I deserved better. I believed the way guys treated me was because of who I was, and not because they were simply not rooted in God, didn’t value women, lacked commitment, or whatever their reasons may have been. This specific pattern of letting boys treat me anyhow and blaming myself each time, followed me through many many experiences and I genuinely felt more broken each time. People tend to think heart break only happens when you are, for example, cheated on in a serious ‘committed’ relationship; but when you’re repeatedly undervalued, let down and suddenly discarded by people who you valued and poured yourself into, your heart surely can break. So even though I have been on my journey of developing my relationship with God for a while now, it was only this year I truly understood I didn’t completely know and believe my worth in God.

Each time I was broken by one boy, I should have learnt my lesson then. I should have accepted I had deep-rooted insecurities and I should have spent time with God alone to fix me and heal me, without a worldly male distracting me and giving me worldly affection, before trying a ‘relationship’ again. But when you truly aren’t learning, God has to keep teaching you the same lesson until you finally get it. For example, just because you sit in a classroom whilst the teacher teaches, it doesn’t mean you are listening, absorbing the information and using what you’ve learnt efficiently. Believing who you are in God is not just knowing what the Bible says you are and singing ‘I know who I am’. You have to act everyday in a way that shows you know how much value God has placed in you. So each following experience had to break me a bit more, and make me doubt my worth even more, until I was so desperate to believe who I am in God and value myself that I cried and prayed persistently to God with everything in me. God had to put me in a place where I realised I have to depend completely on Him alone. Only through being broken could I see that I need God and need to submit to Him completely, and that God isn’t just a pleasant addition to our worldly lives. Now I have a much higher standard of how a man can treat me and who they need to be before I will even give them the time of day. I now know when to walk away and what red flags to run away from. I now know I am not here to fix any male, and that my future partner is supposed to lead me closer to God and not amplify and worsen my insecurities. Trust me, it’s not a straight forward, consistent and easy journey; and even recently, God had to remind me of my past brokenness and allow those feelings of inadequacy to wash over me again, to prevent me from allowing someone who wasn’t for me into my life.

The point is, God has to allow you to be broken sometimes to push you to grow. Psalm 34:18 allowed me to know that God is most close to you when you are broken hearted. I believe when you’re lost and feeling empty, feeling worthless and broken, a space is then created in your heart for God to begin to work on you, in place of whoever or whatever previously occupied your heart. When you are at your lowest, seeing God begin to transform you, build you up and fill your heart will most certainly be a testimony; as you will know it could only be God. Me knowing the transformation that has taken place in me could only be God, has led me to now live a life of trying to serve God wholeheartedly and allow Him to use my past mess to be a message to others of what God can do in your life, who He says you are and who He is! I am completely thankful for every situation I went through that broke me, as it was only then I could understand the entirety of who God is and who God has called me, as His daughter, to be. If I was never broken, how could I testify that God is the Jehovah-Rapha – the Lord who heals? There is so much more to my story, but I didn’t want you to be reading all day. But when romantic partners, family members, friends, and even your own standards for yourself that you fail to reach, leave you broken, empty, lost and unfulfilled; trust me God will shine through the mess and those broken pieces. God’s power really is made perfect in our weaknesses! (2 Corinthians 12: 8-10)

When you’re lost, God teaches you to be led by Him alone. When people disappoint you, you learn to depend on Him alone (Isaiah 26:4). When you’re empty, you learn only God alone and His living waters can fill you up (John 4:14). When your heart is broken and your spirit is crushed, you learn God is a healer, a comforter and will restore you. When you’re on the wrong path, you learn God is a true father who disciplines us and redirects us out of love (Hebrews 12: 5-8). Then when you are transformed, you learn that God uses your past mess and brokenness to help save others (John 9: 1-3). To really encounter God, you need to be broken and vulnerable to Him. You need to first be lost to know that it was only in God that you were truly found. So for anyone that is currently experiencing brokenness, please believe it WILL get better and is all for God’s glory and the furthering of His Kingdom. Looking back, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

If anyone at all has experienced anything I have mentioned (or is going through any type of difficult or confusing situation) and would like advice, or would like to know more about my other life experiences and my journey with God, please don’t hesitate to message me on any of my socials! I’m here to advise, pray for/ with and listen to anyone who would like me to! As there are so many things I have experienced, many things not mentioned in this blog post, that I wouldn’t want anyone to be going through alone! May God bless you and be with you all!

‘When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.’ Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)

 ‘3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.’ Romans 5: 3-5 (NLT)

7 Comments Add yours

  1. chidinmae says:

    This is a message that needs to be shared and thanks sis for doing so. Have so much love for you and your journey, keep going and stay blessed boo x

    Like

    1. Thank you so much sis! Love you girl, may you continue to grow in Christ and may God bless you!

      Like

  2. Hannah says:

    This is very inspiring bless you keep doing the good work of God he sees you and will all be in vein

    Like

    1. Thank you so much! I can only thank God and I really appreciate you reading my post and commenting; and I pray that I can continue glorifying His name! God bless you x

      Like

  3. ‘Now I have a much higher standard of how a man can treat me and who they need to be before I will even give them the time of day. I now know when to walk away and what red flags to run away from. I now know I am not here to fix any male, and that my future partner is supposed to lead me closer to God and not amplify and worsen my insecurities.’ This😩😩😭🙏🏿so relatable in fact this whole post because the number of times I have been broken due to situationships but it’s drawn me closer to God and made me realise my worth -God bless you sis

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad this blog post resonated with you! We can only thank God that even though during our times of brokenness, we probably didn’t think we could be healed and restored, God restored us more than we could imagine and is using our past brokenness for His glory! God bless you too my love, thank you!!❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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